My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together