@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

You Might Also Like

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

@3sunzzz

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@adamhess1

The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me

@HoneyWooWoo

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

@nodata4u

Is the way that we decided how tobacco and weed were smokable by just smoking everything? Like, was there a guy walking around at some point going “trust me bro, don’t smoke tomatoes. Super gross.”

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

@OutrageousM

I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.

@flindis

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

@thatUPSdude

“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids