My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.


*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*


As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”


“Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined.” – Moron who clearly hasn’t pictured a Crocoshark.


[shopping with my wife]

Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?

Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )



Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?

Employee: the fridge?

Wife: my husband.


“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping


Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga


Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.


Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.