My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
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Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
😏😏😏
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.