@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

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@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@Gooooats

*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@SteveKoehler22

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

@GregDorris

“Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined.” – Moron who clearly hasn’t pictured a Crocoshark.

@NewDadNotes

[shopping with my wife]

Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?

Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )

Wife:

Me:

Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?

Employee: the fridge?

Wife: my husband.

@T_Bonezzz_

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

@GrandadJFreeman

Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga

@smerobin

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

@IdiomsRUs

Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.