My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.


My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.


The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me


Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.


Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”


Is the way that we decided how tobacco and weed were smokable by just smoking everything? Like, was there a guy walking around at some point going “trust me bro, don’t smoke tomatoes. Super gross.”


There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people


I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.


Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson


“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids