Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.