My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋


I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.



“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”


Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.