My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go