My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Feel. He’s so soft.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
…żyje?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.