Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’