My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You Might Also Like
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.