@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

- @amishschool

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@WilliamAder

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

@turtledumplin

A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’

……aaaand send

@TweetsByKaylee

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

@rysox80

Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.

@ibid78

WHAT DO WE WANT?
The ability to ask different questions
WHAT DO WE WANT?
See this is what we were talking about

@OohSnapItsChris

Anyone want to volunteer to dress up as a dragon for me and kidnap my girlfriend?

I always wanted to save a princess.

No weirdos please

@chuuew

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

@Fickle_Filly

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.