My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
my first day as a raccoon
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.