When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“What a tangled web we weave”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Me: Where are the kids?
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*
Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Me: so what are you wearing sexy?
Collection agency: umm…we’ll just call back tomorrow