@jordan_stratton

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

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@Parentpains

When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

@Donna_McCoy

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

@Home_Halfway

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

@HMittelmark

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@peteholmes

Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.

@Smooheed

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

@DaddyJew

Me: so what are you wearing sexy?

Collection agency: umm…we’ll just call back tomorrow