My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family