My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
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Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Risking my life for fun.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
umm…