@dadopotamus

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

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@gorrdano

Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

@AimeeHelene1

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@GodDammitDanny

To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?

@krisv_723

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

@jessokfine

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

@JakeBeTweeting

I don’t discriminate;

– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake

I love them all equally.

@thatUPSdude

Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar