My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.