My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.