My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
me at the job i begged god for
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.