My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
$4 #usedbooks
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?