My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
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6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”