my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS