my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra