@iwearaonesie

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

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@CelebrityChez

Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.

@noneofyours99

I just realized
All italian foods and drinks end in an “I”

Ravioli
Calamari
Spaghetti
Peach bellini
Manicotti
Biscotti
Lasagnai

@meaghano

a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend

@IvoryGazelle

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

@juliussharpe

It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.

@donni

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

@ThisOneSayz

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

@Snarfernini

I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.

@NYC_Blonde

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.