My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
stop
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
this is the best interaction on twitter