I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?