If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.
My wife: “Can you pass me the stud finder?”
Me: “You’re the stud finder!”
*deep, awkward silence*
Me: “Here it is.”
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?
Husband: GET UP!
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog