Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
You Might Also Like
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
bout dat hot dog summer
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”