@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

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@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

@P_o_n_k

DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go

@LosLos__

HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@Chhapiness

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

@pleatedjeans

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

@Mr_Kapowski

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house

@ODeadInside

When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”

@gvicks

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..