Her: I like old fashioned men
Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
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“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!
Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!
Hub:…his dream, not mine
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.