@phaggots [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”
OMG THIS IS SO ME
@sofarrsogud My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
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@phaggots 
@NoogsCorner Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
@P_o_n_k DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose
WOMAN: *Cries into hands*
DR. BABY: Wait where did she go
@LosLos__ HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?
Me: Autocorrect.
HR: You’re fine.
Me: Sweet!
HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.
@SaraThomas84 The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
@Chhapiness To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
@pleatedjeans Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
@Mr_Kapowski “The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
@ODeadInside When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”
@gvicks Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..