@popcorn_dog
[First Date]
Her: I like old fashioned men
Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist
@sofarrsogud
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
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@popcorn_dog
@NorCalBratt
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
@Book_Krazy
Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!
Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!
Me:…
Hub:…his dream, not mine
@bossy_bootz
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
@NotARatsAss
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
@portmanteauface
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
@Brewsker
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
@Brampersandon_
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
@captain_happen
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
@LittleMissAngr1
13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.