@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

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@popcorn_dog

[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist

@NorCalBratt

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@bossy_bootz

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

@NotARatsAss

Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.

@portmanteauface

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

@Brampersandon_

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

@captain_happen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

@LittleMissAngr1

13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.