My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
#Caturday
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Simple
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.