@tastefactory

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

- @tastefactory

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@jakob_huber

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

@Sophie2078

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

@stardazingxo

mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again

@gamingheroritz

Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you

@GrantTanaka

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

@Social_Mime

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider