Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
SPLOOT
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car