Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You Might Also Like
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Wake me when AI does housework
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?