My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
You Might Also Like
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”