My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Spell check is for lasers.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
🙄😏😂🤣
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40