My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!