My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman