A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan