@simoncholland

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

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@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@SnarkyMommy78

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

@johnfreiler

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

@elle91

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

@JohnLyonTweets

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

@aissalanis

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

@iwearaonesie

“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”

-how dad signs my birthday cards

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY