My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Money is the root of all wealth
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.