My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Goat cheese is for herders.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.