It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
wow he looks just like him
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”