“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Canadian owl: Eh?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE