My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
much to think about
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”