Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
the simulation is moving too fast
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.