Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
You Might Also Like
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
cat vs inanimate object
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.