I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That’s from both of us
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
* tries to spread peanut butter *
Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
4yo: fold me like a towel
4yo: FOLD ME
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”
Jennifer Aniston is one divorce away from being Ross
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.