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@bea_ker: MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That's from both of us
@squirrel74wkgn: Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor...
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: ...on a TV show
@justabloodygame: The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
@radtoria: Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
@1par8head: Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
@internetluke: [ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I'd like a large pepperoni and
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni