Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.