My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]