@Chhapiness

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

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@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@markydoodoo

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

@BoomBoomBetty

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

@lisaxy424

Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill

@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

@NotChuckBarkley

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@brianbowman73

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT