The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
You Might Also Like
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Noah
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear