The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I think the only thing Fox News hasn’t yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson’s bullets. #ferguson
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.