While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”
Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.