My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

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The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.


some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures


Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.


I think the only thing Fox News hasn’t yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson’s bullets. #ferguson


People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.


Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive


Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?


Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.


Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were


Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…