People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.