@FunnyCauseImFat: My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
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@neiltyson: Curious that it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
@PhilJamesson: Me: if i had a time machine, i'd go back and kill-- Guy: Baby Hitler, we know Me: ...everyone who has ever interrupted me
@squirrel74wkgn: [at the drug store] Employee: May I help you, sir? Me (nervously): YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A "CHILL PILL"