Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.