Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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bought wrong eggs
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I really had high hopes for this year though
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.