@amishschool

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

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@CheckMeowTBruh

Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident

@JessicaVarsity

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

@NervousJr

my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.

@rocknthepurple

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

@KeyLimeShy

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

@Marlebean

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

@Mardigroan

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

@TheOnion

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once