My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
you have three unread messages
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.