Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?
Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands
Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…
Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once