@DadBroDad1

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

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@Jake_Vig

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

@MollyCocktail

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@adriennekhals

Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.

@LeonEarlgrey

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.