@DadBroDad1

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

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@Fab_Mommy_

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@chimneyspotter

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

@monks_19

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

@mostlysharks

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

@hazelmotes1

Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!

Me: wha?

Her: Because all the candy is gone

Me: Ooooh right. So many.

@Mom_Overboard

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other