My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
You Might Also Like
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!
Her: Because all the candy is gone
Me: Ooooh right. So many.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other