My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

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Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone


[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up


First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit


I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.


I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.


I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!


He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.


Here at Nickelodeon, we’re constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child’s head should be shaped like.


“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”