My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.