My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
TODAY
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang