My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

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All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer


[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.


JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.


Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.


Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.


What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?


How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”


Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?


My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t