My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Order here:
More here:
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me