All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“We met in church.”
Lies we tell kids.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t