Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you’re no detective.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB