My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”


Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you’re no detective.


Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.


[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much


The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.


Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!


if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab