My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.