@PieChord

My wife gives the best headache.

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@ka_unplugged

When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available

@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

@MartaEffing

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@Jenny4ashley

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

@Birdhumms

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.