My wife gives the best headache.

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When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available


The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.


Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man


Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”


Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.


My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.


The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.


“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”


Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.