My wife gives the best headache.

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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.


dentist: you need to-

me: i need to floss more?

dentist: no, you need to get out of my house. it’s 2:30am

me: [muffled behind ski mask] tooth hurty a.m.


A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it.

“I’ll take the maple bar, please.”


“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*


Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”


I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.


ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it


piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists


*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””