My wife gives the best headache.
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY