@PieChord

My wife gives the best headache.

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@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@notviking

dentist: you need to-

me: i need to floss more?

dentist: no, you need to get out of my house. it’s 2:30am

me: [muffled behind ski mask] tooth hurty a.m.

@MartaEffing

A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it.

“I’ll take the maple bar, please.”

@Brianhopecomedy

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

@MariyaAlexander

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

@nbadag

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

@seamussaid

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

@ultimatesteve

*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””