Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My wife gives the best headache.
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dentist: you need to-
me: i need to floss more?
dentist: no, you need to get out of my house. it’s 2:30am
me: [muffled behind ski mask] tooth hurty a.m.
A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it.
“I’ll take the maple bar, please.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*
Wife – “….””
Humor: the only thing I like dry.