Human are so complicated
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In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
i will not be silenced
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
same energy
Who wants to be my Valentine?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range